


The Lyrics In Between

by bambigrace



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-01 03:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 9,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2757230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambigrace/pseuds/bambigrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A canon compliant fic exploring where Kurt's head was in and around each episode of Season 4 through 1st person POV.</p>
<p>In this fic Kurt and Blaine communicate by texting song lyrics to each other. </p>
<p>Please note that the song lyric texts are set out like this for example with the lyrics always between speech/quotation marks -</p>
<p>Kurt:"Don't stop believing" </p>
<p>Blaine: "Hold on to that feeling"</p>
<p>Kurt: "Street light people"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 4.01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.01 - The New Rachel

  _My flight’s just been called. Oh god this is it. I’m really going. No turning back._

_**Kurt:** “It’s time to begin isn’t it?”_

__

_Blaine, tell me to go. One last time._

**Blaine:** “Don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back”

_I’m not going to cry. Not again. You’re still with me where it counts, you always will be._

**Blaine:** “But don’t forget me I beg” :P

_You know just how to turn potential tears to stupid grins, even when you can’t see I even need you to._

**_Kurt:_ ** _“You crazy fool” “I love you”_

**Blaine:** “I love you”

_I’ll call you on the other side._

_It’s time to fly._


	2. 4.02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.02 - Britney 2.0

**Blaine:** “Hey there Delilah, What’s it like in New York City?”

 

_Oh Blaine!_

 

 ** _Kurt:_ ** _“If they could see me now!”_

_It’s everything I imagined and more._

_You know I always knew New York would be my home, where I belonged, where my life would truly start, and I was right! Stepping off that plane, getting my first yellow taxi (a real New York taxi!), seeing the hustle and bustle of city life, it’s like everything changed._

_The Lima shackles and dust fell off me._

_Nobody gave me judging second looks as I walked down the street in my favourite McQueen outfit._

_Nobody was scorning at the gay couple that I saw in the park._

_Nobody batted an eye Rachel and I started singing as we strolled down Broadway._

_This is it._

_What I’ve been waiting for._

_I’m here, I’ve arrived._

_I feel free to be me, to live how I want, to do what I want, and it feels amazing._

_The only thing that could make it better was if you were here, but you will be soon, less than a year. I can’t wait for you to see the city and feel the magic it holds._

_I’m home._

 

 

 


	3. 4.03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This part is split into three sections, each one week apart, set over the course of episode 4.03 - Makeover

**Blaine:** “Off in the night, while you live it up, I’m off to sleep”

_I would hardly call working until 2am on a deadline living it up._

_This screen is so bright._

_Ugh, my fingers feel like they’re going to fall off. Hopefully they’ll be back in working order by tomorrow; they’re too achy to do anything now._

**\-------------*-------------**

_Oh, new texts!_

**Blaine:** “I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene”

 **Blaine:** “Wish I could be, part of that world”

_Blurry. So much blurry._

_Okay I need this wine to wear off._

_That was an awesome party!_

_So many cute guys._

_I want Blaine._

_Two weeks with no Blaine._

_Blaine._

_Oh the world is spinning again._

_God I need my bed._

 

**\-------------*-------------**

**Blaine:** “You know that I could use somebody”

 **Blaine:** “someone like you”

_We have Skype scheduled tomorrow evening, silly, you’ll have me then. Anybody would've thought it was 3 months not 3 weeks by your texts Mr Dramatic._

 

 

 


	4. 4.04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Finn leaves the New York loft in episode 4.04 - The Break Up

_...My bed’s creaking._

_That’s my bed creaking._

_Is he..._

_Do I check?_

_I have to check._

_No. No I can’t._

_He’s moving._

_He’s in my bed, and he’s moving in it._

_Is he awake? Is he asleep?_

_Get up Hummel._

_Get up._

_Just peek round the curtain._

_He’s on my side of the bed._

_He’s on my side._

_Fuck._

_I have to leave._

_I can’t do this._

_I can’t be here. I can’t I can’t I can’t._

_I have to go._

_Run Kurt._

_Run._

**\-------------*-------------**

**  
Blaine:** “It all ends today”?


	5. 4.05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the episode 4.05 - The Role You Were Born To Play  
> Please note for triggers that this part is Kurt dealing with and processing the break up and Blaine's cheating.

_Let me sleep. Please let me sleep._

__

_1:27:56_

_1:27:57_

_1:27:58_

_1:27:59_

**Blaine:** “I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you’re even there”

_Why do you keep doing this to me Blaine? Night after night. Please tell me why. Surely all the texts I've ignored should tell you exactly what you need to know._

_But no, you insist on sending these texts at 1:28. Why always 1:28?_

_I can’t take this. I'm so tired._

**_Kurt:_** _“Step one you say we need to talk”. “I don’t wanna talk”_

_I can’t talk._

_**Kurt:** “I am in misery”_

_**Kurt:** “tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you”_

_By you, Blaine._

__

_**Kurt:** “I put my heart in your hands”_

__

_You knew I’d never trusted anyone with it. I thought you were safe. I trusted that I’d finally found someone safe._

__

_**Kurt:** “I thought you loved me more than this”, “the way you did once upon a dream”_

_I don’t understand._

_I don’t understand._

_Wasn’t the dream ours any more? Was it just mine?_

 

_**Kurt:** “I don’t know your thoughts these days”_

__

_**Kurt:** “Did I disappoint you or let you down?"_

_**Kurt:** “Didn't I give it all?"_

 

_Why didn't you talk to me?_

_I've_ _been here._

__

_**Kurt:** “How did it end up like this?”_

__

_**Kurt:** “Will I ever know”?_

__

_Will I?_

__

_**Kurt:** “I don’t understand your heart”_

__

_I’ve always understood your heart._

 

_Blaine, everything’s in pieces. Tiny, fragmented pieces._

_How will anything be the same again?_

 

 ** _Kurt:_** _“You said”_ \- "“you make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream”"- _“but now I’ve seen it fade and I am here alone”_

_Don’t you use that song against me. Don’t you dare. You’ve ruined our teenage dream. I’m alone Blaine._

_Get it?_

_Alone._

 

 _ **Kurt:** “You said”_ \- "“We’ll be together forever and ever, for always and always I’m yours”, “I will love you until my dying day”." - _“What part of forever don’t you understand?”_

_**Kurt:** “You said”_ \- "“I’d have lived my whole life through, lost forever, if I never knew you”"

_Don’t you think I felt the same?_

_You knew I felt the same._

_You and I were meant to be forever._

_I didn't even believe forevers could or would happen to me before you came along._

_Us was the only forever I thought was possible. The one I was sure of._

 

 _ **Kurt:** “You said”_ -"“you know I haven’t slept in weeks, you’re the only thing I see”"

 

_Am I meant to feel sorry for you?  You pressed the self destruct button on us._

 

 _ **Kurt:** “You said”_ \- "“nothing kills me more than the pain I have for hurting you”"

_**Kurt:** “You said”_ \- "“I was a mess you see, I’d lost the plot so bad” “if I could turn back time”..."

_**Kurt:** “You said”_ \- "“don’t you say goodbye, don’t just say goodbye, I’ll pick up these broken pieces til I’m bleeding, if that’ll make it right”"

 

_Nothing can make this right. It’s completely wrong._

_**Kurt:** “You said”_ \- "“I love you”"

 

_You love me?_

__

_**Kurt:** “YOU’D BETTER STOP BEFORE YOU TEAR ME ALL APART”_

 

_You don’t do this to someone you love._

_You don’t._

_You leave them alone._

_You let them sleep._

_You let the ghosts and demons run until they wear themselves out. You don’t bring them back to the to haunt you every night at fucking 1:28 am._

_You don’t re-break their heart over and over, making it more impossible each time to contemplate the brutal hunt of trying to find it again._

_Because that’s what it will be._

_A hunt. That will be unflinching in its pain._

_That might never have an ending._

_That might never be complete._

 

_Do you know what that means?_

 

_**Kurt:** “Never knew I could feel like this”_

_Let me sleep._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. 4.06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.06 - Glease before Kurt and Rachel travel back to Lima  
> Please note for triggers, Kurt is still processing the break up.

_Why do I want to see you?_

_What will it do?_

_Will it stop these tears? Will it stop me needing drug induced sleep? Will I stop seeing you?_

_Will it stop the memory?_

__

_I need it to stop._

__

_That evening, mine and Rachel’s big summer plan, a musical movie marathon sing-along sleepover. We would all be going our new separate ways soon, this was our last chance._

_It was gone two by the time we got to Grease. Rachel and Mercedes had been soundly asleep since halfway through Hairspray but the rest of us were still in various states of consciousness._

_You were sitting between my legs, resting your back against my chest as the movie started._

_You took my hands and turned your head as Sandy was asking whether this was the end._

_You mouthed along with Danny, this was only the beginning._

_I believed you._

 

_Quietly singing along to Hopelessly Devoted, eyes locked on each other each time the key line was sung._

_My arms wrapped around your waist as we rocked gently side to side as Blue Moon played._

_Us dramatically miming along to Sandy, Santana giving us a very judging look before going back to softly smiling at a worn out Brittany._

 

_We were the only ones awake when it got to You’re The One That I Want. I dragged you to the empty stage, doing our best to not giggle too loudly as we badly danced along on tired legs._

_As the ending number started I pulled you back to me, holding you close._

_“We go together.” I said._

_“We go together.” You confirmed._

_And now it’s gone. We no longer go together._

_Is that why I want to come and watch the show? See you as you are now to the same backdrop of songs and scenes? The boy I will never be like that again with? To erase the memories and replace them with new ones with a tainted edge? To show myself that the old Blaine Anderson has gone and a new one is in his place, but one I don’t know? One I don’t understand?_

_To leave behind the naive summer us and all that I thought was waiting for them?_

_To be able to look you straight in the eye and properly say we are over?_

_To say you were wrong, it wasn't the beginning, it was the beginning of the end?_

_To say goodbye?_

 

 


	7. 4.07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 conversations set over the period of the episode 4.07- Dynamic Duets  
> Again for triggers, in this part Kurt is still processing what Blaine has done.
> 
> Please note Finn is also in this part of the fic.

 

 **Unknown number** : Have you talked to Blaine yet?

_**Kurt:** Who is this?_

**Unknown number:** The Mistress of Manipulation

_**Kurt:** Well you’re not very good at manipulation as no I haven’t, and no, I won’t be._

 

**\-------------*-------------**

 

 **Finn:** He’s thinking about going back to the Warblers.

_**Kurt:** Why are you telling me this Finn?_

_**Kurt:** I don’t care, not any more._

_**Kurt:** He made his bed, quite literally - with someone else - he can lie in it._

_**Kurt:** He can do what he wants, it’s not my concern._

**Finn:** I know you’re hurt, I get it, but you don’t care at all? Even though he wasn’t just your boyfriend but your friend too?

_**Kurt:** He only left for me, why shouldn’t he go back? He was the adored leader. He could do no wrong._

**Finn:** Do you think The Warblers actually care about him, or just winning a trophy? He’s part of the team here, not just a trophy himself.

 **Finn:** And doing no wrong? Do you think a perfect person is happy?

_**Kurt:** Maybe he wants to forget all this happened, going back to Dalton is one way to do that._

**Finn:** Why would he want to forget something that changed his life and your life into something better?

_**Kurt:** It will be like he never left._

**Finn:** No it won’t.

 

_**Kurt:** Maybe he shouldn’t of._

**Finn:** Dude, you don’t mean that.

_**Kurt:** I’m sorry Finn, but there’s nothing else left for me to do but walk away. He should walk in whatever direction he wants._

 

**\-------------*-------------**

 

 **Sam:** please bro talk to Blaine, he hates himself, he knows how badly he messed up.

 

_**Kurt:** Why should I?_

_**Kurt:** I’ve told him what little I have to say._

_**Kurt:** What can I do to make him see that I can’t forgive what he did?_

_I trusted him from day one, that’s what I can’t get over. I spilled my guts to him, this stranger with something special about them. I was scared, and alone, and so desperate, and he was there like no one I had ever known._

_With one meeting he picked me up and saved me._

_Funny what a single meeting can do._

 

_He knows why I can’t forgive him, what is now missing, what I had never doubted myself in giving him, what everything had been built on from the start of us before there was Us._

_I don’t know how you get it back. I don’t think you can. I don’t think he ever will._

_I trusted myself to trust him. What’s left when even trust in yourself has gone?_

 

_**Kurt:** Trust a cheater again? I’m sorry Sam but I can’t._

 


	8. 4.08

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the episode 4.08 - Thanksgiving

“sometimes it’s the not forgiving that holds us back”

_Ten minutes._

_Ten minutes until he goes on stage. I shouldn’t be focusing on Blaine, I have an apartment full inside. Dancing, drinking, chatting, fun and laughter being held in every space and corner. I’ve been waiting for this. Isn’t this part of the New York experience I’ve dreamed of? It’s right here._

_But they aren’t here, and I’m not there._

_I’m with him, somewhere between memories and wishes. Though this cold New York air tells me I’m not._

_He’ll be wandering around the stage, checking everyone’s alright, warmed up and ready, looking straight into their eyes telling them not to be nervous. His focus on his inexperienced team mates._

_What was he focusing on that day? Where was that push coming from? What was staring into his eyes telling him to do it? To risk and ruin everything?_

__

_9 minutes._

_He’ll be bouncing on his toes, cricking his neck from side to side. He’ll be excited for all the team, knowing this is their first competition, that they can do it. They can win._

_Where was his sense of conviction on that day? Where was the boy I knew who knew that we were forever?_

_8 minutes._

_He’ll be running through the already in place plans in his head in case anything goes wrong._

_How do you prepare for something that had never crossed your mind that you might have to be prepared for?_

_He’ll be sitting himself down waiting for the warning bell, repeating his well versed pep talk: give it everything, don’t let the team down._

_He let me down._

_When, where, how, do you start to forgive someone for taking away everything that you thought would be yours?_

_Would be ours?_

_I can’t. Not yet._

_7 minutes._

_But I have to try._

_I told myself that we were done, I was never coming back to you._

_But here I am, counting down to the time until you go on stage._

_You’ve been too much a part of my life to leave you behind to fade. To let everything that once was get lost and turn to dust._

_I can’t let that happen._

__

_**Kurt:** “I can’t live with or without you”._

__

_Please still have your phone on you. Please answer my call._

 

 


	9. 4.09

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set at the end/just after the episode 4.09 - Swan Song

_Blaine, I got in._

__

_I got in._

__

_I remember, we were sitting on my bed, a hint of a breeze coming through the open window. There were two days left until school started again for you. Two days until our paths would have to separate a little._

_You could see I was ready to break. Long shifts at the Lima Bean rubbing away at my hope. The thought of being stuck in Lima for I didn’t know how long crushing me with its weight._

_I told you to go home._

_You closed the door behind you._

**Blaine:** “stop lying that you’re fine, cause you’re like me, and you can’t give up”.

_You were waiting on the other side. Arms ready._

_You believed I could carry on, I could try again. That even though I had given up on my dream, you refused to give it up for me._

_You pushed me Blaine._

_I wouldn’t be in New York now if you hadn’t told me it was time to leave, to follow the path that you could still see but had become faded and blurry through my eyes._

_You know where I am Blaine, wounds take time to heal, even longer if they become septic, but I’m going to try give us a chance to find the friendship that we never really had._

_**Kurt:** “I remember you said” -"_ “stop lying that you’re fine, cause you’re like me, and you can’t give up.”"

__

_**Kurt:** “I remember you said” -"_ “I’m a phoenix in the water, a fish that’s learnt to fly...”" 

**Blaine:** “...but feathers were meant for the sky.”

**Blaine:** “I remember you said” - _""somebody make me come through”"_

_You did Blaine; you did make me come through._

**Blaine:** “I remember you said” - _""One day I’ll fly away.”"_

_I am starting to fly now Blaine._

_**Kurt:** “I remember you said”" _ -"“you’ve got a friend in me”"

_I need a friend._

**Blaine:** “You’ve got a friend in me”

_**Kurt:** “You’ve got a friend in me”_

_I can do friends, just._

_But just is worth a chance._


	10. 4.10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the episode 4.10 - Glee, Actually
> 
> Please note for triggers there is mentions of death (Kurt's mom) and the possibility of death (Burt's diagnosis of cancer).

_I feel like I’m surrounded by two ticking time bombs._

_What am I meant to do?_

_They’ve fallen from the sky but not exploded on impact. No that’s still yet to come._

_Why did you have to tell me now, dad? I know you must have wanted to protect me, but being sheltered from the truth never helps for when you do become exposed.  But at Christmas? I know Christmas must be as hard for you as it is for me, but how am I now meant to stop thinking about the possibility that this time next year you won’t be here either? Loss and Christmas aren’t meant to go together._

__

_And then we have you, Blaine. Loss and not alone in one._

_I can hear you, shifting on the couch. Are you awake or just restless in your sleep?_

_I know I may have seemed cold or distant. I know I must have seemed uninterested or indifferent. But you were suddenly there. On ice, in the apartment, in my life in person. I’d just been hit by a train; you can’t just jump up and walk away from that. It’s my dad. You know what my dad is to me. But then to have you to deal with too._

_I don’t know how to be around you yet. We’ve agreed on friends. I’ve been able to work out how to do this via text and phone and Skype, but an actual human who you can't close a window to or press a button if you need to escape is a whole other thing._

_I can’t deny though how nice it was seeing you again, to duet again. You know every Christmas memory I’ve been able to remember, so singing with you brings such a happy relief into the mix of death and devastation that creeps into Christmas for me._

_And I know you need it too. I haven’t forgotten._

_**Kurt:** “Do you hear what I hear?”_

_Shit! Turn down your sound Blaine!_

 

_Well if you weren’t awake, now you will be. Luckily my dad sleeps like an old dog._

 

_**Kurt:** “Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?”_

 

_Good, you’ve turned the volume off._

 

 **Blaine:** “Just hear those sleigh bells jingling”

 

_**Kurt:** “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way”_

 

 **Blaine:** “Do you see what I see?” “In the lane snow is glistening”

 

_**Kurt:** “The snow’s coming down” “It doesn’t show signs of stopping”_

 

_Last Christmas was so different wasn’t it? I guess we are still together though as we promised._

 

 **Blaine:** “walking in a winter wonderland”

 

_**Kurt:** “Do you know what I know?” “Santa Claus is coming to town”_

 

_Did you just chuckle? You always used to duck your head when you chuckled at something I said. Do you still do that now?_

 

 **Blaine:** “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus”

 

_You should know better than sneaking around after bed time on Christmas Eve._

 

_**Kurt:** “You better watch out” “he knows if you’ve been bad or good”_

 

_Oh god, I shouldn’t have said that._

 

_Blaine?_

 

 **Blaine:** “He knows when you’re awake”

 

_I guess we should sleep, it’s gone two after all._

 

 **Blaine:** “Have yourself a merry little Christmas”

 

_**Kurt:** “Have yourself a merry little Christmas”_

 

 **Blaine:** “This evening has been...”

 

_**Kurt:** “so very nice”_

 

_It has. I mean it. Even if I can’t show it._

_**Kurt:** “What are you doing New Year’s, New Years Eve?”_

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. 4.11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.11 - Sadie Hawkins

 

_I can have this can’t I?_

_Rachel says there’s nothing like love in New York. I don’t want love. But I can have fun, and that’s alright isn’t it?_

_Not everything has to be the real deal one and only forever does it?_

_A stroll through Central Park can be a way to pass time, not a potential romantic highlight of the movie of your life._

_Singing together can just be an activity, not part of a soundtrack._

_A night in watching TV can be a way to discover what a person enjoys, not a compatibility test._

_It wasn’t what I was imagining but life does have a way of suddenly picking me up and spinning me around before putting me back down._

_It’s good though. I am over this break up. I should try something new free of grand fairy tales._

_I’m going to do it._

_I’ll ask him._

_I can do this. I can._

 


	12. 4.12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in 3 parts set in and around episode 4.12 - Naked.
> 
> Please note that Adam is in this part.

Part 1

 

“Kurt, you have to watch this.”

_Oh god, don’t say it’s another one of your directors’ ‘works’._

“Fondue for two? I thought you’d left McKinley behind...”

“I have, it’s just that I may have emailed Brittany to tell her to talk about my upcoming starring role, as maybe some of the freshman by sheer un luck haven’t heard about my blog yet, and they deserve to know what I’m doing. I’m going to write her a strongly worded message about not mentioning me, but you have to see what’s been going on.”

“Should I be scared?”

 

**“Hi and welcome to this week’s second helping of fondue for two. This time I’m joined by McKinley high’s resident backing singer with a growing unexplained attitude problem, Tina Cohen Chang.”**

**“I’m not a...”**

**“So we are here to talk about the special Men of McKinley calendar. How did you enjoy your role as director?”**

 

_Men of McKinley?!_

 

**“It was really fun to be around all these hot guys and being in charge. We’ve got some really good shots so you should all buy your copy and help us get to regionals.”**

**“I believe we can now watch some behind the scenes footage from Lord Tubbington.”**

**“...How did your cat get into the locker room?”**

**“He used to be an agent in the FFBI, Federal Feline Bureau of Investigation. Roll film!”**

 

_I can’t believe what I’m seeing. How did they get away with doing this? We were punished and threatened for doing far less risqué things than this._

_Why does Tina keep offering Blaine up to be a part of every shot?_

_Why..._

 

“Wait Rachel pause it, go back, go back!”

“But you haven’t seen Jake yet! The muscles on him Kurt!”

“Just do it.”

 

_Blaine, why do you have the dopey grin on your face? I know that grin.  I know that head tilt. Who are you looking at?_

_Who?_

_Are you moving on?_

_That’s good isn’t it?_

_Yes it’s good. It’s not like we’re going to be together again, we’re friends now. Friends._

_And it’s not like I’m not moving on myself, I mean I have gone on two dates with Adam. A nice two dates._

_Not that I’ve told you about him. Not that you’ve told me about whoever’s got your fancy. It wouldn’t be awkward to talk about it, would it? Friends can talk about this stuff can’t they?_

_No it would be weird. It’s not like it’s my business to know who it is. It doesn’t matter._

_It also doesn’t matter I’ve not told you about Adam, it’s so new and nothing serious anyway. It doesn’t matter._

 

“Kurt!”

“mmm?”

“You weren’t listening were you? We have to get one of these; it is our old Glee Club after all.”

“Fine, whatever. Do what you want.”

“Where are you going?”

 

_I don’t know.  Where am I going?_

_Why am I going?_

 

**\--------------*-------------**

Part 2

 

 **Adam:** Oh Kurt, we need you to learn a new part for the Apples.

 

 **Blaine:** I’m so glad you taught me those basic yoga positions.

 

 **Adam:** Are you free to get some coffee after your 3pm dance class?

 

 **Blaine:** Do you have time to Skype tonight?

 

 **Adam:** Are you still feeling out of sorts this morning?

 

 **Blaine:** Is Rachel still insistent on doing the movie? Has Brody put on any clothes yet?

 

 **Adam:** What song are you thinking of doing for Free Sing tomorrow?

 

 **Blaine:** There was a serenade today in Glee club today, it’s been a while since one of those happened.

 

 **Adam:** I might have found another recruit for the Apples!

 

 **Blaine:** I checked in on your dad this evening.

 

_Should I be feeling bad?_

_Is bad the right word? Could it be guilt?_

_Why should I be feeling guilty?_

_I’m not doing anything wrong._

_I’m talking to a friend and a new friend._

_No, I can’t be feeling guilt; it’s just the twisting remnants of annoyance and whatever else from Rachel and Brody. That’s all._

 

**\--------------*--------------**

 

Part 3

 

 **Blaine** : Kurt, I have something to tell you. I don’t know if I should tell you or not. It’s not a big deal or anything.

 **Blaine:** I have a crush on Sam.

 **Blaine:** “It’s just a little crush”

 **Blaine:** Obviously he’s straight and nothing’s going to happen, he’s my closest friend here at McKinley, but I wanted to tell you. No secrets.

 

_I have to be honest with you now don’t I?_

_Should my stomach be churning like this? Should I be so hesitant about typing out the words I know must be said?_

_Us has gone now, so it shouldn’t hurt either of us._

_Not that I’m hurting. Not that I’m presuming you’ll be._

_Our friendship is stable, it’s over taken the pain. Stability is what we have now._

 

 ** _Kurt:_** I’m dating.

 

 **Blaine:** oh.

 

 _ **Kurt:**_ It’s just this one guy, we’ve been out a couple of times. As you told me about Sam, I thought you should know.

 ** _Kurt:_** Speaking of Sam, I get it Blaine. I’ve been there. God those abs.

 

 **Blaine:** “I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand, gives you all his hours when he has the chance”

 

 ** _Kurt_** : Blaine...

 

 **Blaine:**  It’s fine Kurt. I hope he’s kind. I hope he makes you laugh. I hope he’s there for you.

 

 ** _Kurt:_** Thank you.

 

_I wish I could see your face right now, hear the tone of your voice._

_But I think I believe you, that you’re letting me be._

_We can do best friends again can’t we?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. 4.13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.13 - Diva

_**Kurt:** Blaine, are you there? Are you feeling any better? Are you up for duet practice tonight? I have some time before Midnight Madness..._

 

 **Blaine:** Hi Kurt, it’s Tina. No Blaine isn’t any better. Singing wouldn’t do him any good. Anyway he’s asleep right now.

 

**_Kurt:_ ** _Oh hi Tina... Blaine lets you answer his phone?_

 

 **Blaine:** No, but I saw it was you so I thought I’d answer it. I’ll leave a note to say you texted, I’m just leaving.

 

 ** _Kurt:_** _Thanks? Tell him to text me when he wakes up, if he does._

 

**\--------------**

 

 **Blaine:** “You know that I could use somebody, someone like you.”

 

 _St_ _ill Mr. Needy I see. You always are when you’re sick. Did you send this to Tina too?_

_Am I bothered by Tina?_

_No, no I’m not. It’s probably just left over annoyance from Rachel, and it’s late and I’m tired. Yes, it’s just that._

_But how can I ignore your sad little pleas? Even if it is 2:38 am and I’ve got dance class in the morning and you’re probably being a drama queen._

 

 ** _Kurt:_** _“Out there, there’s a world outside of Yonkers.”_

*****

 

“How about Love, Actually?”

“It’s not Christmas.”

“Kurt...”

“Blaine...”

“Do you get even pickier when you’re ill?”

“Blaine!”

“Ok, ok, how about Finding Nemo?”

“Getting warmer, but the sea is too cold.”

“Toy Story?”

“Which one?”

“I have them all so any one.”

“No, they make me too emotional.”

“Oh I’ve got it! How about Wall E?!”

“I’ve never seen it.”

“You’ve never seen it?! This needs to be remedied right now! I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

“See you soon. It’s your turn to hang up.”

“So it is. Stay cosy Kurt.”

 

*****

 

_I was so worried when you came into the living room, me buried underneath blankets with a fever, a nose that would stop running and a throat made out of sandpaper. Your boyfriend of two weeks isn’t meant to see you when the dead look better than you do, yet you insisted on coming round, germs be damned._

 

*****

 

“Hey Kurt. Wow you look...”

“Ugh, just sit down. Who let you in?”

“Your dad did. So you ready for Wall E?”

“Yeah, could you put it in for me?”

“Sure.”

“So why this movie?”

“You’ll see.”

 

**_*_ **

 

_You sat down next to me, just enough of a distance between us for hovering family members not to feel the need to keep checking._

_By the end we had barely moved apart from your hand interlinked with mine, we were so swept up by it. That little robot, who wanted just the simplest thing, to hold a hand._

_Through my foggy from illness brain I saw a younger version of me. Alone in bed, staring at the space next him, hand resting gently on the empty pillow, wondering what would it be like if someone was there to hold it. Would they place it next to their cheek, smooth skin nuzzling into it with wisps of hair tickling his fingertips? Maybe they would move his hands to rest on his arms or back or chest, wanting the constant contact. Perhaps they would kiss every inch of his slender fingers to make sure he knew just how much he was loved. They could bring up their hand to line it up perfectly with his like in a cheesy romcom, though the person would get the same giddy thrill he would. Maybe they would be on the edge of giggles as they played with his fingers, or just intertwine them in the darkness pressed closely between their bodies._

_Would this boy’s hands be as delicately strong as his? Would his hand be bigger, so easy to grasp? Would his skin be soft or would it have a rougher edge, calloused from playing an instrument or from a job or hobby? Maybe their hands would be cutely smaller. Maybe they would fit together perfectly, like they were made to go hand in hand._

_Was there anyone out there who would ever want to hold his hand like he desperately wanted someone too, even if just for a minute?_

_That Kurt from last year didn’t know, but that pale, worn out, ill Kurt who had a boy by his side did._

 

 

_Since then, every time one of us has been sick, we’ve silently watched Wall E, just reassuringly squeezing each other’s hands when certain moments came up that meant something to us, nothing more was ever needed._

_I know I can’t be there to hold your hand now, but here’s the best comfort I can do from across the country in the middle of the night._

 

 ** _Kurt:_** _“Put on your Sunday clothes, there’s lots of world out there”_

 

 **Blaine:** “Get out the brillantine and dime cigars”

 

**_Kurt:_ ** _“we’re gonna find adventures in the evening air”_

 

 **Blaine:** “Girls in white, in a perfumed night”

 

 ** _Kurt:_** _“Where the lights are bright as the stars”_

 

 **Blaine:** “You know just what to say, and you know just what to do”

 

_Y_ _ou would have done the same._

 

 _ **Kurt:**_ _“I need some sleep”_

 

_I’ll text you in the morning Blaine. I hope you feel better._

 

 **Blaine:** “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you”

 

 

 

 

 


	14. 4.14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set before episode 4.14 - I Do (or at least before we see Kurt and Blaine for the first time)

_It keeps running through my head. Again and again._

 

 _ **Kurt:**_ _“You’ve been on my mind”_

 

_You standing there waiting for me in the empty choir room. Your face full of careful anticipation with your questioning eyebrows and sheepish smile._

_And when I stepped into that room, did you feel it?_

 

_**Kurt:** “I wish you were a stranger I could disengage” “but I can’t stop this feeling I’ve got”._

 

_I was so anxious about seeing you again. What would it be like being in close approximation with you again but without anyone else there? Without just being hit by a crippling weight of news? Being back in a room where so much has changed since the last time we were there? A room full of memories?_

_It’s one thing practicing over Skype, another to be in the room with you. I wasn’t ready for that spark. That sharp shock of us somehow slipping back into our sync._

 

_Standing on opposite sides on the piano, iPod on top, trying out our harmonies in a real space, not over crackly speakers, and it was like being taken back in time._

_I had forgotten how well our voices worked together._

_Your eyes steady on mine as you slowly moved round to stand next to me. I found I couldn’t look away._

_I’d forgotten how easy it is to get lost in the eyes._

_“Do you want to try some choreography?” you said as you stepped away._

_I didn’t have to answer._

 

_There was a voice telling me to question what I was doing. Asking what had changed? We were settling back into a friendship, but nothing else had changed._

_Somehow though I could feel those threads again Blaine. The ones that ran between us. The ones that had been stretched and snapped. The ones I thought would always trail on the floor behind me._

_I felt a knot in a few of those threads._

 

_**Kurt:** “I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it”_

 

_As the minutes were ticking by and the janitors coming closer to throwing us out, I found myself answering “yes” every time you asked me “again?”._

_I didn’t need to. After three goes we had it down. You knew it as well as I did. But I couldn’t leave._

 

_**Kurt:** “I’ve made up my mind” “let’s go all the way tonight, no regrets just love”_

 

_Your arm brushing mine as you stood by my side._

_My fingers catching yours as we passed._

_My hand touching your thigh as we stood by the mic stand._

_Leaning into you when we were back to back._

_The pull of you had caught me again._

 

_**Kurt:** “These arms of mine, they are wanting, wanting to hold you”_

 

_It’s repeating in my head._

_“That was good”._

_I had seen that look too many times before, your body swaying towards mine, your breath coming out in short, soft pants._

_The voice told me to recoil. I didn’t._

_“Again?”_

_“Yes”. My breathing matched yours._

_**Kurt:** “These arms of mine, they are burning, burning from wanting you”_

 

_It’s 3 am and all I can feel is the ghost of you in my bed. The way I know you would tangle your legs with mine. Your lips hot on my skin. Those strong, safe arms wrapped around my waist as your weight pressed me into the matress. Me getting lost in you again._

_It’s 3 am, and I want it. I want you. Here._

 

_**Kurt:** “But it’s not forever, but it’s just tonight”, “I’m not in love so don’t forget it”._

 

_Nothing’s changed. We are not together, we won’t be together. The pieces of my heart are back into their shape, but they’re not sealed, they are not secure. A feather could knock it back into shards._

_But I still want you. Just this once._

 

_**Kurt:** “Meet me in the morning when you wake up”._

 

 

 

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	15. 4.15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.15 - Girls (and Boys) On Film after watching Moulin Rouge at the loft

_Blaine._

 

_**Kurt:** “Darlin’ my frustration, it gets me, gets me where it really hurts me most”_

 

_I still feel them. I still see them. Your fingers intertwined with mine. Your eyes, your bright, earnest eyes looking straight into mine in the glowing light of the bedside lamp as we whispered along for the last time. It was true. What we were singing was true._

_And what am I meant to do now?_

 

_**Kurt:** “I see no other way”_

 

_I_ _t’s still true._

_It shouldn’t be, how can it be?_

_I’ve tried to push it back, and down, and away. But watching it again, seeing Satine and Christian singing our song..._

_Adam was next to me. I’m moving on, I’m getting over you._

_I want to be over you._

_But how can I be when part of me is still on that bed whispering back everything that was going to be ours? What is it going to take for me to get off that bed for good? Or am I not? Will I always be on that bed holding you close, kisses in between our practiced promises, saying what I knew was true?_

_It was true, but is it now?_

 


	16. 4.16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.16 - Feud

“Okay, hopefully this one will be better.”

“I’m sorry but Kurt Hummel can only do the best.”

“I know Kurt, but we’ve been to nearly every coffee shop in New York now, soon you might have to give up and accept that a shop is a shop and coffee is coffee.”

“No, I will find one up to my standards.”

“Fine, choose your seat and I’ll be with you in minute. Sorry my brain’s being silly; remind me again what you’re having.”

“How many times have we ordered drinks Adam? Grande non fat mocha and a... um nothing”

“Right, right, of course! Go sit down, I’ll wait.”

 

_‘And a um’ well done Kurt. How long has it been since you’ve done that old order? Where did that come from?_

_I can tell this place isn’t right either. Why are all the places in New York either sterile-cold-could be anywhere, sticky- tacky diner or trying too hard to be more than a coffee shop? Was the Lima Bean a highlight of Ohio? The only place worth going to in the whole of Lima?_

_Blaine did have good taste._

 

 **Blaine:** “I’ve been on your mind”

_Blaine?_

_No, you haven’t._

_**Kurt: “** There’s been a change in me, a kind of moving on”_

_I am. I’m on a date._

**Blaine:** “There’s a hole in what you’re saying, I can plainly see”

_There isn’t._

_**Kurt:** “I’m being pulled in a new direction”_

**Blaine:** “If I didn’t know better”

_What’s that meant to mean?_

**Blaine:** “Cause you're hot then you're cold”

_I’m not; the wedding was a onetime thing. I said it was just that once._

**Blaine:** “I remember you said” “We’re still the greatest”

_People say all sorts of things during sex._

_It meant nothing._

**Blaine:** “It makes the truth even more incomprehensible”

_Believe what you want, Blaine, you’re obviously aren’t going to accept what I’m trying to tell you._

**Blaine:** “Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place”

_Stop._

_All that was was the movie. Just the movie._

**Blaine** : “Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace”

 **Blaine:** “Suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste”

 **Blaine:** “It all revolves around you”

_**Kurt:** “I know where I’ve been and I know what I’ve lost”_

_You don’t have to remind me._

**Blaine:** “In another life, I would make you stay”

_In another life you would have to have not cheated._

**Blaine:** “Thinkin all the things that I've done wrong, all the time yeah I was forgettin' ,You were mine all along”

_I was._

_Why couldn’t you have seen that before it was too late?_

**Blaine:** “Don’t you remember? The reason you loved me before?”

_Yes._

_I do._

**Blaine:** “No one will ever love you like I do”

 **Blaine:** “I belong with you, you belong with me”

 **Blaine:** “you and me together through the days and nights”

 **Blaine:** “I will love you until the end of time”

_**Kurt:** “Stop saying those sweet things you know I’d like to hear”_

**Blaine:** “Take a chance on me”

_**Kurt:** “If I trust in you, would you let me down?” “I wanna know”_

_Blaine?_

**Blaine:** “You have a lover that’s waiting, but baby, you’re right here with me”

_What?_

**Blaine:** “You have a lover that’s waiting...”

 

“...Kurt? Kurt are you there?”

“mmm? Sorry what?”

“I said are you ok? Did you get an unwanted text or something? You have your phone in a death grip..”

“Oh I didn’t realise! No, no messages. No nothing. I must have been day dreaming, that’s all.”

“Here have a sip of this, take your mind off of it.”

“Thanks Adam.”

“So where were we? Oh yes, are you satisfied with this location and its beverage offerings?”

_You have such a hopeful face._

_I can’t ruin that._

“...Yes, I think we’re getting there.”

“Good!”

 

_We’re not though are we._

_Will we?_

 

 

 


	17. 4.17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.17 - Guilty Pleasures

_Shit!_

_Where am I? Oh god, where am I? Breathe Kurt, breathe. God no. No, no, no. Breathe. You’re in bed. You’re in bed. It was just a nightmare. Breathe._

_Blaine?_

_Why are you all the way over there? I need you here. Please hold me. Please stop my racing heart. Blaine come back. Come back next to me. Please tell me I’m safe. Please show me I’m safe._

_Blaine._

_...Blaine?_

_OH GOD._

_It’s Bruce._

_It’s Bruce._

_Fabric, filling and nothing more Bruce._

_Shit. Of course it’s not Blaine. How stupid are you Kurt?_

_Why would it be Blaine? How could it be Blaine?_

_God I’m so stupid. How could I mistake a pillow for a human?_

_There’s no heat, no heartbeat, no tangled bodies moving and shifting as one._

_No real comfort when you need it._

_No person there._

_Blaine._

 

_Stop it Kurt. You have Adam now. Adam. Sweet, kind Adam._

Adam could have been with you if you wanted him to.

_I do. I do. But it’s just not time yet._

When will it be time Kurt? How can there ever be a time for Adam when -you know who- is the one you immediately think of?

_It’s reflex._

Fine call it that.

_It’s going to stop. Soon it will stop._

So how are you going to get back to sleep? Rude awakening like that’s not easy to get over. Not when your dream was about...

_I could go crawl into Rachel’s bed, she’s done it enough times to me, she wouldn’t mind. Well she would, but it’s only fair to let me this once._

Call him.

_Adam will have turned his phone off._

You know that’s not who you want to call.

_Fine._

_I want Blaine. I need Blaine. But just because I had gotten into the habit of being secure in his arms at night. Just because I remember there was a time, when I was with him, that the demons didn’t get me._

_I don’t need him need him._

_I don’t._

 

_**Kurt:** “You’re still the one I run to”_

 

_It’s just this one time. I can handle the nightmares on my own._

_But sometimes the not running is harder than running._

 

 

 


	18. 4.18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set towards the end of episode 4.18 - Shooting Star
> 
> Please note this chapter is Kurt processing what happened at McKinley. Please be careful as this chapter talks about death and loss and the possibility of it.

_Blaine._

_Could I have lost you?_

_What would I have done without you? What if you were taken away from me? How do you think I could... how could I live knowing I never got to tell you I love you one last time?_

_Because I do._

_Blaine._

_**Kurt:** “”_

-

The setting sun painted us in oranges and pinks as we sat crossed legged in front of the black marble headstone.

“I should be used to this by now.”

“Kurt, there’s no ‘shoulds’ in this situation.”

“Every time it’s time to leave I feel like I owe her some proper goodbye. I wait for mine back.”

You squeezed my hand tighter as you watched me.

“I can’t decide if it would’ve been better if we got to say goodbye or not...”

A tear escaped from your welling eyes.

“If it was us Blaine, would you want a goodbye?”

“Kurt. Don’t do this.” you said, voice cracking.

“If it was us Blaine, if we had a minute, thirty seconds, to say or write a goodbye, would you want one?”

I could see the pain plain on your face as you looked between me and my mom's grave. I knew it was a huge question, but that day I needed to ask it and needed an answer. The date carved into the stone as bright as neon in my mind.

“I’m answering this in an ‘in theory’ question.”

“Okay.”

You bowed his head and closed your eyes.

“You know how we like to leave each other notes and lyrics on each other’s phone? If, in theory, I had time and I had my phone, I’d leave a note for you. I couldn’t ring you.”

I unfolded my legs and stood up, pulling you with me.

“Thank you.” I whispered as we wrapped ourselves in each other, needing a grounding, a surety that we were both still there.

The wrecked look on your face probably mirrored mine as we broke apart, trying to wipe away the thoughts of any more loss away as best we could as we stood in a cemetery before turning back to my mom’s grave.

“Love you mom. Happy birthday. I love you”

-

_We promised each other a note._

_Did...Did you remember?_

_I don’t want to know._

 

_What would I have done? If I was there? If I were you and you were me? If we were both there?_

_Even though the danger is over, there’s nothing I can say to you. No lyrics I can borrow._

_Not this time._

_I don’t want to know your last note to me. I don’t want to think about my last note to you._

_Not now._

_Just tell me you’re okay again._

 

_**Kurt:** “”_

 

 **Blaine:** “”

 

_**Kurt:** “”_

 

 **Blaine:** “”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	19. 4.19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.19 - Sweet Dreams 
> 
> Please note in this part, Kurt has a dream and Finn is in it. Finn is also included in Kurt's musings of the future as this was written before Cory's passing and so in turn, Finn's, so a future was still accurate at that time in canon and for Kurt.

“Here’s to Rachel getting a call back! Cheers!”

 

_What would it be like if I got a call back? If I was in the final few for my dream role on Broadway?_

_How would I celebrate? Would I go out like we did? Would Santana have to persuade me into having just one drink too as I’d be concerned about the effects on my practicing schedule? Would I be carefully talking to guys before becoming freer and relaxing into the celebration, not worrying about my voice for one night? Would we sing the whole way home, dancing around street lamps and cars just like in the movies? Being full of joy in the knowledge that I’m a few steps away from being able to play the person I’ve always thought I should on one of the best stages in the world?_

_Would I still have Adam by my side loosely holding my hand at the bar? Trying to fit in with the sidewalk frivolity? Looking hopeful at the end of the night in case this time he gets invited to stay?_

_Would I be going to sleep ready to face a final test I know is coming?_

_Or if my night was a replica of Rachel’s, me in her place, would I still feel there were a few things missing?_

 

**\-------------*-------------**

 

“When were they meant to call by?” Rachel asked, quickly pacing back and forth behind Kurt’s chair.

“Half an hour ago.” Sighed Kurt.

He knew the old saying, old news was good news, but he couldn’t help the sinking in his stomach. He wondered if he didn’t get the lead, would there be any other characters he could play. He’d rather be in the chorus, watching the person that could have been him every night with from the back of the stage, than not in it at all. This was his dream musical after all.

Just then the phone buzzed to life, travelling to the edge of the table with the vibrations.

“Oh my god! What number is it?”

“One I don’t recognise!”

“Oh my god!”

“Hello?” Kurt asked, all high pitched and breathy with nerves.

Rachel kept trying to get into his eye line with each passing second as Kurt gave answers to questions she couldn’t hear. Why did Kurt have to be so hard to read at the most important times?

“So...?” She prompted as Kurt hung up, wide eyes the only indication that that wasn’t an everyday conversation.

“I got a call back. I’m one of three.”

“Oh my god!” Rachel shrieked, grabbing onto the first bit of Kurt she could and erupted into a celebratory dance. She was so proud of her best friend, she knew how this was his dream, and he was finally being recognised for the amazing talent he was.

Over the screaming and floorboards creaking under their bouncing steps they didn’t hear someone else enter the loft.

“I tried to get here as soon as I could, baby, is it good news?”

Kurt couldn’t stop his already bordering on Cheshire cat smile growing even wider as he turned around to give Blaine a little nod. Kurt could have lived forever in the next few seconds, Blaine’s arms twisting around his waist, completely enclosing him tightly, before picking him up and spinning him on the spot. Hard little kisses scattered all over his face before bringing their lips together in a kiss that said everything Blaine didn’t need to. The full force of his boyfriends eyes on his, tears brimming.

“Ok we are going out tonight to party! Where should we go?”

“How about Callbacks? I don’t think you could get a more appropriately named place if you tried.” Blaine suggested.

“Sounds good to me. Kurt?”

“Give me an hour and a half and we’ll be ready!” Kurt said grabbing Blaine’s hand with giddy delight as he led them towards their room.

“Keep the noise down!” Rachel called after them, knowing it was futile as she retreated to the hallway to make some calls.  

 

*****

 

“Here’s to Kurt! Brother, friend, boyfriend, and Broadway’s next leading man!”

Kurt looked at the beaming faces of his closest friends sitting around the round, wooden table with him.

Santana trying to hide her excitement for him, saying she was just here for the booze and to see whether Finn would end up like a drunken giraffe again, but the little glint in her eye was giving her away. Not that Kurt would tell her that.

Rachel the one who truly got what this meant to him, what it could mean and what could be waiting.

Finn so proud of his little brother, the guy he couldn’t believe had turned into this rocket, ready to paint the sky in burning colours in front of him.

Lastly Blaine, who Kurt knew he could rely on in case this was a dream too far, in case he fell from the cloud he felt he was on, but who would still love him as the star Blaine told him he was. His bright shining star that would never fade as long as Blaine was watching him.

And even if he didn’t make it, even if he would only ever be the dancer in the corner, the chorus member who no one could tall apart from the other twenty, it wouldn’t matter, because what more could he want from the rest of his life? Reaching his career dream didn’t compare to getting to the top of the mountain of feeling like the luckiest boy for being where he was and loved by his friends that his younger self could only dream of.

His dream had come true. Everything was where it was meant to be.

 

**\-------------*-------------**

 

“Hummel, you were sleep singing again. What were you dreaming about this time as I swear to god if you’ve taken to summoning other musical nuts via secret midnight song, you and lady hobbit will be out that door quicker than you can say ‘holy gay show batman’.

“I don’t know Santana, I can’t remember. The Ambien seems to be knocking me out more than it did before.”

“That or the bottle of wine you finished off after leaving your non boyfriend of a boyfriend to walk home once more.”

_Ugh. Walk away Kurt, walk away._

 

_Where's my phone?_

_Why do I feel a pull towards my phone?_

 

_No new messages._

 

_Why can I not stop myself getting up your number Blaine?_

_Why am I not wondering what to write?_

_Why are lyrics falling from my fingers onto the screem?_

_**Kurt:** “A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep” “there I found a perfect place, once upon a dream”_

_What_ _was I dreaming about?_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	20. 4.20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.20 - Lights Out

“Every prince has got to have his swan”

 

_You should have seen it Blaine. It was like some surreal magical dream. And the dancing, the dancing! Even though ballet isn’t completely your thing, you would have loved it._

_How can something as simple as movement sweep you up and away? How can you get lost in the grace and beauty? How can it capture you in its spell and not let its hold go, even when the music has stopped and the stage is empty once more?_

_I used to imagine us doing ballet together, with songs though of course. The ballet of our story._

_In ballet every prince has got to have his swan, and you were mine._

_We would start out in a great ornate ballroom, me coming down the stairs, you in the middle waiting even though you didn’t know you were. The crowded floor emptied once the music started, for from then on only the two of us mattered. We could hold a show on our own._

_Others would come in at different points, to try to get us to dance with someone else or to stop dancing all together. But we didn’t. We kept dancing._

_Monsters would break through the windows and the building would start to fall around us but we kept on dancing._

_We would be in pain and broken, feet bleeding, but still dancing._

_Where is our ballet now? I can’t find it._

_Has it stopped or are we just in intermission?_

_I’m on a different stage now, one with Adam, but we’re not flowing like We used to. He leaps and pirouettes while I stay on the spot. He’s strong and refined with a charming style, but it doesn’t match mine._

_He’s not my swan is he?_

_Do I try to dance until the end or should I take my bow now?_

_I don’t want to go through all the work and pain with someone who’s not my swan._

_But if they weren’t my swan, would I even finish? Would I actually get to the end of the ballet?_

_The prince never finished the ballet without his swan. I don’t want to finish without mine. I don’t want to finish with someone else’s._

_You only get one final bow._

 

 

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	21. 4.21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 4.21 - Wonder-ful 
> 
> Please note that there is mentions of Burt's cancer in this part.

**Blaine:**  “I guess I hope I’m still the kind of guy you’re needing for your fool”

 

_Blaine, not now._

_I can’t deal with you and us, not yesterday, not today and not tomorrow. My dad has to come first. You know how much I’m dreading coming back. What if my dad still has cancer? I can’t lose him._

_I can’t make any mistakes now._

_One misstep could ruin everything, and I can’t risk that._

_Everything has to be right._

_It has to be._

_Time is important. Colours are vital. Places must be kept._

_How can I keep track of time for my dad and you? What if we got our timing wrong? A minute could change everything. What if I had to do something at a time that was meant for something else? What if a second reserved or set in time was lost? I can’t let that happen._

_What if the colours we were wearing unbalanced each other? What if they made a wrong colour? Shades could be the difference between slipping or gliding. Tones could wipe out all my efforts. I can’t let that happen._

_I don’t know if I’m on the right track, but surely I can’t be on the wrong one? I know my place at the moment, with my dad, and with you Blaine. I’m at a place where I can’t question, where I can’t fight, where I can’t give up, I just have to keep going. These routines are wrecking me, but I can’t stop. Stopping could cause the world to crack and crumble around me. I can’t let that happen._

_Too much is at stake._

 

_**K** _ _**urt:** “I told you to be patient”_

 

_I hope you’ll understand. I hope you won’t judge. I’ve been crept up on and taken over by so much; I don’t have the freedom to be what I think you want me to be, how you want me to be. The shackles of worry I wear only allow for my dad, no stepping away from the wall I’m bound to._

_Be my friend. Be the steady background presence I need right now._

_Just don’t leave._

_Don’t leave._

 

**Blaine:** “And I will wait, I will wait for you”

 

_I’ll be there tomorrow._

_I don’t know what it’ll be like seeing you, but please see the boy I am at the moment. Please understand him._

_Don’t leave him._


	22. 4.22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set just after the end of the episode 4.22 - All Or Nothing

_I didn’t miss it. They way you looked at me._

_In Breadstix where your heart was so plain to see. I knew what you wanted me to see, to hear the story that could have been ours. That still might be._

_In the auditorium where you shone like no other star I’ve ever seen._

_In the choir room surrounded by the people that have been with you when I haven’t been able to, the life they give you radiating out with every note and step._

_In the hallways, where I once said this was longer home, that are now seeming like a pathway to something better, not an alley back._

_In the car when I was startled by the fact the radio was still on my favourite station._

_At my house having dinner with my family, your family, our family, like we used to._

_At Breadstix again tonight at Mr Schue and Miss Pillsbury’s unplanned celebratory wedding meal as you sat next to me in the booth I like to think of as ours._

 

_There’s so much I want to say Blaine._

 

_**Kurt:** “if you only knew the way I feel, I’d really love to tell you” “Just please don’t say you love me, cause I might not say it back. Doesn’t mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that.”_

 

_It’s taking time._

 

_**Kurt:** “Heavy words are hard to take, under pressure precious things can break.”_

 

_I keep turning and dodging and running, but I keep coming back to once place._

_And that’s you._

 

_**Kurt:** “So when I’m ready to be bolder and my cuts have healed with time” “I’m going back to the start”._

 

_I don’t know how long it’s going to take as this realisation is fragile._

_I knew I loved you. I knew I wanted you in my life. I knew you were my best friend._

_I found we were still connected. I found myself still being drawn to you. I found that I couldn’t move on however hard I tried._

_I may be realising that I don’t want to. Maybe I’m realising that you might still be home. I might be realising that perhaps the final piece missing in the puzzle of my heart is having you back as mine. As my soulmate. As my Blaine._

 

_**Kurt:** “Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone, where you go when you’re alone”_

 

_Every time it’s you._

 

_**Kurt:** “There’s no need to worry when you see just where we’re at”._

 

_I_ _don’t know what’s going to happen next._

 

_**Kurt:** “as long as we’re together, does it matter where we go?”_

 

_It’s just time now Blaine._

 

_**Kurt:** “Just please don’t say you love me, cause I might not say it back.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you's go out to-  
> Borogroves - for cheerleading me as I wrote this.
> 
> Pletzel - for being my Beta.
> 
> Judearaya - for reading through it and just generally being amazingly supportive.


End file.
